When it rains, it SH*T storms.. on me.

I’m ready for the rain to stop and the sun to shine. Depression has taken over and there is nothing I can do, right now, that’s going to change that.

When someone asks “How ya been?” or “how’s it goin?” I answer with “I’m feeling depressed.” Most people don’t expect you to respond truthfully, ya know? The worst response we might get is an “I’m okay” or a “Meh!”

Everything is frustrating.

I frustrate myself.

Absolutely no motivation.

No desire to be social.

The reason for this depressive episode is private, for now. Me being able to express that I am depressed, however, is very much okay. In the past I would hide behind alcohol or other substances. If it numbed the pain, gimme dat!

Actually having to FEEL all of these emotions is a nightmare and I am not waking up from it anytime soon.

Coping mechanisms have to be in check. It’s really difficult coping with a situation, all while working on not falling back into old coping habits. My mind is like W T F is going on? W T F if life and how do I do it?! For real, I can’t life. My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.

I read about depression causing memory loss and had an “A- HAH” moment.. because I can’t remember shit right now! I’ve started jotting down little notes for myself and I feel like a goldfish. ( I heard they have a 5 second memory ) but who knows?

RESEARCH ALERT

2014 meta-analysisTrusted Source of previous research found a clear association between depression and cognitive performance. People with depression had trouble with attention and memory.

They also struggled with executive function. Executive function is responsible for skills that help people focus on tasks, pay attention, and self-monitor their behavior.

This could explain why my impulsive decision making becomes almost impossible to control. Ultimately explaining why there is a pink chair/bed still in its original plastic wrap on my floor, that I impulsively bought on marketplace two days ago. I talked the lady, selling it, down from her ridiculous over-pricing and in my mind I “won.”

Luckily, I like the color pink now and the chair/bed is cute. Whether it’s comfy or not, I will let you know as soon as I unwrap it and decide to sit on it.

I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder when I was probably still a teenager. I’m 34 now and with the right medication and therapy, I am able to live a more fulfilling life.

Depression had me knocking on deaths door for years. Depression has also taken the lives of too many, too soon. These days, I don’t visit my friends back home the way most young people do. I spend my time with them by talking to their tombstones, hoping they can hear me.

I used to struggle with survivors guilt, but I’ve molded that guilty feeling into something positive. I tell myself that I survived my darkest moments for them and for those who need a voice. I’ve attended online training and am now an ambassador for the Make it Okay organization. “Make it Okay to talk about mental health.”

I recently discovered a new coping mechanism for all this frustration I have. Example: I’m selling something on marketplace right now and whenever someone tries to scam me by telling me they need my number and a secret code etc. I use my voice to text and let everything out on them. I don’t even make sense and sometimes just yell cuss words, but afterwards I feel relief… here’s one of my latest..

I apologize for not sounding like a lady…. it’s because I wasn’t being one.

all my freaking groceries…

Its better than taking my frustration out on the person I’m with or possibly Margie. Right?

It’s also not a substance.

It’s just genious.

Don’t forget and always remember that you are not your illness..

or a scammer! That alone makes you amazing!

If you need someone to talk to or to just simply listen, I’m here!

Love, Mo.

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