Mama

It has been 4 weeks since you passed..

It’s hard to believe.

There is an emptiness that I can’t and don’t want to fill. It’s where you belong, but you’re no longer here.

I know you’re with me spiritually, I feel you all the time. The physical presence of you though, I can never feel again.

You used to be the first person I called when I was upset, scared, confused, or happy. I miss your advice, your jokes, and even your bad days. I know that things got hard in the end and that I was often frustrated with you. I am sorry for that, it was really never you, but the circumstances. I know you were just as frustrated at being trapped in a body that no longer worked as your mind did and that is my only silver lining in knowing that you are no longer in your earthly body. 

I have lost the most important person in my life..

Your love is unconditional..

A motherless daughter knows the pain of being left behind.

Lost. Alone.

Everyone leaves…

She will build walls as high as a mountain to protect her heart. You’ll probably get tired of trying to tear those walls down, but she will fight to keep them. You’ll be mesmerized by the beautiful waltz she does shutting you out. It is well-choreographed and practiced many times. It’s a beautiful and tragic dance she does so well. It’s her armor, always protecting her and guarding her from people, even people who love her.

It will sadden you thinking of how many times her heart has shattered as she shuts down when people get close to her, how many times she has tripped and fallen in the chaos of sadness. How long will she be able to keep up the dancing before she finally crashes? And will you ever be able to see her behind the walls?

When those walls begin to lower..

You’ll see the empty, hollow hole that her losses have created in her soul. You’ll see the shell of the human she once was. You’ll see how the death of her mother has made her a broken soul.

But please, remember that deep beyond that facade, a little girl is lost and lonely, roaming the streets of life trying to find her way. Trying to find her identity and her direction. Trying to find her way back home again.

I love you, mama

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